crappy little thing

i've learned that at some point, even if you are really trying to be strong, wrong situations are stronger. at first, you will be like this confident girl who promise to not cry over imperfections and situations. then, you somehow manage it in a little amount of time. you were happy, and feels a little content in small things that you'd accomplish. but somehow, during the course of some things, hurt can find you.. with your back vulnerable and unguarded. at that point, you might manage to control such things but then, you'll realize that it's not enough to certain your happiness to the extent that you'll full and have to cry. you've been strong for so long that you reached your capacity and all you wanted to do is weep and burst out even if, in the first place.. you are tired of it.

things on my mind..

there are so many. from going to a risky path, getting a job i didn't particularly like, looking for money, studying again for extra credits, deciding if i'm gonna stay focused on my graduated degree and all big decision to simple things, like.. like.. staying with my habits of being lazy, reading books and manga until i die. if you are stronger than me, well congratulations! because, unlike you.. i did have to think discreetly before i act, knowing how afraid i am to take risks sometimes - especially to those i don't really like. and because opportunities always knocks on me, i am not really happy for it. because, it sucks having so much of it and yet, somehow things aren't for me. sometimes, i laugh out of it. usually, people say opportunities knock once so grab it wholeheartedly, but the fact that i can't see any good opportunity out of that 'opportunity' they say, it's not an opportunity for me to begin with.
one thing - being productive. if things will go in my way and i can fully love what my future job is, i will know everything will fall into place. it sucks having to do certain things that you didn't really like, for that, even if you have a good salary, you are not satisfied. and before you know it, you don't have eagerness to pursue such work.. and don't want to get up to bed anymore. because... because... you are not happy.
that's my only wish. well, first that one, and second, is to have to meet with mr. right. but i know, he will wait. you can really set aside love life because personally, it usually works for most people. Well, maybe those you have plans and eager to do it step by step.
Anyways, what  is surprising about myself is that  even if i live in a first world country, i can still live a simple life. if i'm not having a glamorous life today, it's not because i can't do things glamorously, it is because i won't do it. and maybe i'm a crazy-proud of it.. it's just how it works. sometimes you have to be contented having not to do anything, than doing so much yet having no contentment still. but that one thing some people you love and the society doesn't understand and accept is that, it didn't work for them because your an unproductive bitch. that the reason of being lost and doesn't know what to do.. is your own problem and not them.
that the crap of me and the crap of life. the crap of society and the crap of everything. life stereotypes life.people work, people come and go.. and being a worthless person is a sad person they always take advantage of.

ok.. what am i talking, im gonna shut up.

hello...it's friday night!

Advance happy halloween! I was born in the Philippines so I haven't really experience a halloween costume party, trick or treat or house decorating and wearing costumes. Those times i was out with my family visiting our dead relatives at the cemetery. But now, it was my first time not visiting them. I really hope things are ok back there.
Anyways, i was out baby sitting these days. I was always at ease when I was with kids. It's surprisingly relaxing. No good vibes. I haven't experience such feelings before. Because before I distance myself to children. Maybe because, at that time, I thought of them as noisy and spoiled. But now, things are different. I appreciate such young minds and humans. No hurts, just fun. If I have to envy someone/something, it would have to be them. Their innocence and peace of mind about the world makes me envious. They play, sleep, eat and play again. They are the world's possession of true love and contentment. It feels great to be with them as if you are accepted as the quirky and as their friend as if you are same with their age.

Having to laugh with kids is the most wonderful thing I haven't felt until these months. and when they do, one thing is for sure..  the world comes smiling back at you.

going back and living in a different way...

Exactly this day, is my day of departure going back to my hometown. When I arrive here, i saw hope. I saw the very hope I felt when I'm with my family. But because it`s a must, I should. I'm 20. At this age, people wanted to find there pillars to attain success. And I, think that the right time and the right day is now, and there... in my hometown is the right place. Well, that`s a fact for now.
It's tuesday morning. I'm at the living room. It feels so good that I saw the sun at this time. Fall is in the air. I began to love fall. I began to stare colorful leaves that will eventually fall from its branches at the right time. I think, it's my favorite season of the year. Right now, I'm being blinded by the rays of the sun that peeps behind those fall trees. It's amazing. I will miss this so much. I feel like crying, but on the second thought, can I save the drama with all the hardships that I may encounter at my destination place. ;) I know there will be so much problems there, but it can't be helped. I, also want happiness there, so let's call it a quits. ;))))
As much as possible, seeing things in a new light is the best thing to do. When you can't see any light, you have to. You have to, for all things... all have light.... all have hope.
I'll be going alone.  I think it's the first step to really find myself. Being alone. Besides, I have to find myself, me.. my only me. A year ago, I also said the same words when I step right here, but I guess when God and when your heart wanted the old way, the very best thing to do  is to go back in the place where all your hopes, dreams and laughters started. Right now, this is my home, this is where my family members is. But, I have to sacrifice. It's for  my own good. My young adult life should start there, now. This is from my life navigates. This is from my success' pillars.

I woke up early today, I don't know why. It sucks but now, it's my favorite time of the day. The sun keeps blinding my vision but I love it. The cold air.. is, always been cold. But, somehow it warms my heart. The warmth that I will miss feeling. When I first came here, I keep asking why people wanted to live in a place when it`s cold for almost all days of the year. Now, somehow, I know why. And that`s people here chases for warmth, and when they chase it and find it where, they will be happy.
From inside, I still hear the rushing and dancing of the leaves. It is like a bell ringing in my ears. A holy bell. Can I just say that I don't really hate this place that much. No.... no, i don't really hate it. Thanks to me, because from the time I step at this foreign country, I didn't tell to myself that I will hate this. It's the phrase I always bring wherever I go. I think it's because places is not a thing to deal with as long as you wanted to be happy. I think places can be your home when in your heart the only thing you wanted is happiness, bliss...

Yesterday, we went apple picking and visit a relative's house. I don't really like apple much. But, I want memories above all.So I went. We went. That`s the best one. They say, `an apple a day keeps the doctor away`, but I say why need an apple if you can have a bunch of it, to keep more doctors away.hihih
My mother said then, we don`t went there to pick apples but to take pictures, because that`s all we did. I felt the heart there. I felt the love there. At first, I know that it`ll be awkward at some point. (I will not elaborate on that because I don`t have to.) I won`t, because it will bring tears just right now. Ahm, wait.. let me just eat some apple....;((

When you can`t but to question some things, I think the best way was to ignore them.  I just learned that lesson yesterday. Because feelings might be involved, sometimes we  right thing to do is just to ignore it. And go where your heart feels.

So.. there... goodbye for now. I`ll do my best to blog when I arrived. ;)

Thank God its friday! You know, when I'm in elementary and highschool years, Friday was the best day of the week and saturday was just awesome. I am really nervous then when it is Sunday night, because after that night, i'll be a student again getting pissed off with classes and school stuffs. So, yeah... i was bored. I opened then my camera at my laptop and click some shots.

It was in our living room and kinda hungry. So till here. Ow wait..hmm..I had a lonely/awkward memory yesterday but I don't wanna tell now, because that's in the past. I was really optimistic in this time of my life right now, I don't know why. Because things seems not falling into places, I got myself like, i got my defense mechanism of cheering myself. Lately, i felt really bad and all i did is wrong and foolish. At the past, when like this came at my way, all i do is cry. But, now...i just kinda numb. I do mistakes, but even if I do
it, right after I don't blame myself. I don't cry. I don't think hardly on that mistake. I will forget it the next few days. I forgive myself instantly, because I know, God is always forgiving me no matter what my unintentional actions were.

So, if you are reading this blog post, if you made a mistake, first thing you can do, is forgive yourself. Then, if you already forgive the hell out of you, and can smile after that, you can forgive others.

Hope it works.

till here.

xoxo